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Half of unconditional love.

Apr 30, 2018

I recently had a new realization.

It’s crazy how even 15 months into this shitty reality, that can happen, and I know that it will be far from the last. I realized that my kids would never be the first priority for a man again. My daughter has the chance to find a good husband one day that will put her always first in his life, but that’s no guarantee, and my boys, will never have a man step up and make them his absolute first priority.

My family and friends are great, those men in our lives have absolutely stepped up to the plate to love, and support them, but at the end of the day, they have either their own children, or own lives to focus on, the reality of our day to day, and all of the constant reminders is not a reality they could possibly understand.

This was a heart wrenching reality, because our parents are the two people in this world that love us, even the most dysfunctional of parents love their children, certainly my children felt that way.

Loosing a parent...

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Pain to Progress

Feb 21, 2018

Tonight I met a new widow, her husband has been gone just 2 months, and she is left with 2 children to raise alone.  

So many thoughts and feelings came back to me as I looked at the shock on her face, the empty look in her eyes, the way she checked out during discussions, and I watched her so carefully, and I knew where she was; the same place I was just 1 year ago.  

My heart ached for her, I wanted to rush to her, get her through to where I am today, to take away this next year of pain for her so she can begin to feel alive again.  

But I remembered I can't do that, and even if I could I wouldn’t, because it would rob her of her journey, her pain, her growth, her evolving into the woman she will become because of her pain.  

So instead I gave her the only thing I could, a gentle reassurance that it won’t feel like this forever, it will get better.  

And as I talked with her, I thought of those early days, there was a moment that stands out; I...

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Does time REALLY heal all wounds?

Feb 07, 2018

Time does NOT heal all wounds.  I’ve seen countless people who stay stuck for years and years in the same patterns and pain, you’ve probably known someone the same, maybe its even you.  Time passes; time can actually make you feel more bitter, more hurt, more helpless and alone. 

 But the space that time gives us if used properly can allow you to become self aware, create new outlooks, gain strength and wisdom.  Wounds don’t heal, not really, we learn to live with them, we reshape the meaning of them, we can become better from them, but they never completely heal over.  There is always a tender spot that if you touch can bring back the pain and the memories. 

 I’ve wasted a lot of time in my life, stuck in old beliefs, avoiding pain, shutting life outside so I didn’t have to really see myself.  As I did the work on me, really seeing me, I became more self aware, empowered, wiser, and more alive. 

...

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The Storms of Grief

Jan 26, 2018

For me Grief is like a storm that comes in and pours down on you, sometimes it comes in fierce with booming thunder, lightening, and wind that takes out everything in its path, destroying hopes, futures and dreams. 

Sometimes a storm rolls in slowly, you can sense it in the air, water, or by the formation of the sky, you can settle in to the expectation of what is to come. 

Like the dampness of the rain on your clothing can give you chills, and an uncomfortable longing to strip free from its confining clinging.

Grief settles within you, finding its home, that place where you can touch it, visit it, and lock it deep within, leaning in to the discomfort until it becomes so familiar it almost feels comfortable. 

It can make things ugly, frightening, overwhelming & lonely. It can also make things beautiful, peaceful, and feel full of gratitude.

It takes your brain to places you wish you could forget, un-know or never go again. 

It creates chaos, disorganized...

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Navigating holidays after a loss.

Dec 12, 2017

With so many difficult things coming up in the next few weeks, the one year anniversary of my husbands death, Christmas, my Birthday and New Years, it would be easy for me to just hide under the covers with a box of wine until its all over, and believe me it has gone through my mind. 

 Lucky for me I have the kids to help through which certainly makes the push to do better, easier than some of you who may not have others depending on you.  But, I will say, my strategy for surviving is no different than it has been since his memorial, its simply deciding how I want to feel

I made a decision before walking into the funeral home that day, that I was going to feel proud to stand there as his wife, as the person he choose to love till his last breath.  I encouraged the kids to decide the same for themselves.  And guess what?

I did do that.  I stood feeling proud.

I know grief cant always be controlled and you have to feel all of the emotions in order...

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WHAT I LEARNED THIS YEAR

Dec 07, 2017

 

·      My core people are amazing, those who stick by you when you’re at your darkest and will sleep beside you or lay with you on the kitchen floor in a puddle are the souls true connections, and I will never let them go. 

·      People care.  They really care.  From delivering meals, to shoveling snow, spending time with my kids, putting up fire alarms, moving trees down, handing money over, delivering groceries, painting, or just stopping in to have a tea or a drink with me, I saw an incredible side of human kind.

·      I am deeply loved by so many and have so much gratitude and then gratitude for the new gratitude. 

·      That love never stops, I still love my husband just as much today as the day he left us, I still talk to him everyday.  I still ask him for guidance in my decisions.  He is a part of my soul...

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Why Worthy Widow?

Dec 05, 2017

I remember the day so clear about 2 months after my husband Mikes death I was sitting on the sofa where I had been spending most of my time since, I spent most days sitting in that spot just staring in to space sipping on wine, while the women and men in my life came and went steadily from my house, dropping off essentials, taking stock of the fridge and cupboards and checking on me and the kids individually. 

I spent those first couple of months unable to deal with TV or music of any kind, just content to sit and stare.  One of the things I spent most of my time staring at was our family portrait that had just been taken a few short months before.  I spent hours wondering how there now was one member of that family erased from this world, and yet life went on for everyone else.  I thought how could he have been ripped of the right to leave a legacy he wanted, he spent so much time working and had so many dreams to yet fulfill.  It was that moment that I...

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