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Are you a "human being" or a "human doing?"

Uncategorized Jun 05, 2018

This concept was something I was working on prior to my husband, Mike’s death, one that I must admit, I still needed more coaching on, but had come leaps and bounds.

As a recovering “human doing” “being” was not something I was very familiar with. I was more like “a soldier going into battle” as my therapist Liz described it.

“Human doing” is the way I ran my life, if I wasn’t getting stuff checked off my lists in my planner then I wasn’t achieving, and if I wasn’t achieving then I wasn’t worthy, because hard work equals worth – that was a conditioned limiting belief I held.

So “being” was just something I did when I fell down from exhaustion at the end of the day, but that exhaustion didn’t come from working so hard necessarily, it came from all the dialogue in my head, the constant pressure and standards that I held myself to.

I think most of us are hardest on ourselves, but I was a master, I acquired a special skill for it that only the most experienced could truly understand. It’s constantly amazing to me to be able to look at the behaviors that harmed me, prevented me from moving forward and how when they are positioned in the right place, mixed with a dash of self compassion, a sprinkle of strong self worth, and a whole lot of shakes of the right beliefs how those behaviors can actually be some of our best, most valuable assets!

Holding myself to high standards is what drives me as a high performer, its what makes me show up fully, and gets me moving everyday with passion. But I have to be very careful to make sure that all the ingredients are just right as to not create something toxic for myself!

I learned how to mix the right ingredients by testing the recipe over and over when I did the work to build the strong relationship with me. But I must admit I fell down every so often, when I let external pressure get to me, or when I wasn’t meeting my own needs, it was still something I really needed to keep a close eye on.

But that changed when Mike died, it was the internal battle, the battle between grief and exhaustion and deep beliefs that I had to be doing something to be worthy or significant. The thing is grief always wins, you can’t will it away, and you can’t force yourself to “soldier” through it. You get really accustomed to “being” because it is all you have the energy to do. This applies to many things, yes the loss of someone you love is most devastating, but even the loss of a job, a break up, a financial loss, a trauma, all of these things affects our ability to show up in our usual functioning way.

What I realize is that, just being, was a valuable skill I mastered through my grief, I still value it, I know when I need it, and I always listen. I used to feel good, the more I accomplished in a day, now I just focus on one valuable thing I did and if that was all, then that’s okay, even if I am moving slowly, I am walking towards my true north, and slow progress is still progress any way you slice it.

If your more of the “human doing” type then you know its not an easy thing to overcome, it took a lot of coaching and self awareness to begin to breakthrough, from there it took commitment to myself to show up for me and do what I needed to be the best version of me.

If you want to learn how to “be” then you must learn first to be aware of your thoughts and expectations of yourself, and get real about what stories your telling yourself. Are these things you “have to” do really essential? Why are you doing them?

Second you must identify where the limiting belief comes from, that one that tells you that you must do in order to feel good and reframe it, create a new belief about what your worth is. What do I believe is true for me to feel this way?

Third you need to practice “being,” get comfortable with being uncomfortable, create opportunities to just be, go into the woods, sit quietly at the park, the beach, and tell yourself I am enough and in this moment I am exactly where I need to be.

My hope for you is that you create the space to experience just being, this practice has become a tool for me that makes me happier, more present, more connected to myself, more grateful for the small quiet moments and ultimately has allowed me to practice grace for myself, all very important ingredients for a beautiful life. XO

 

 

 

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